Adjusting....

I just thought I’d share with all of you, how these past few months have affected me. I have many people asking lots of questions and not fully understanding this disease that has forever changed my life. First of all I hear a lot of people wondering and surprised that I have such a positive attitude. I’ll admit I have my days where it is very difficult to deal with, but what good is it going to do if I just lay around feeling sorry for myself. I asked the Lord to full fill his plan for my life; although I don’t know why he has planned this for my life I know he has a reason and purpose. It would be a lot easier to crawl up and just sit inside all day and do nothing but it’s not doing me and the people around me any good. The hardest adjustment is not being able to work. Seeing my mom work day after day, night after night doing her best to take care of me, I feel bad and often feel like I am the one that should be taking care of her. Every day she tells me she wouldn’t change it for the world and will do it until she can’t do it anymore.  I have no idea how I could go through all of this without her. I am very thankful the Lord gave me such a wonderful mother.  I think I will keep her!!  =)

                There is still hope for remission, it has been several months and there has been progress but I have seemed to hit a wall. I could sit and just wait for the possibility of getting into remission or accept that this is how my life is at this time and adjust. It is hard when all my friends are going places and just being able to get out and go and I have to wait for my mom or someone to take me places.  If I let all that get to me all I would be is a complete mess.  I am still able to do simple things for myself and I do all I can for myself while I can.  If I am having a good day I do more than on days when I am not feeling the greatest. But I still have to remind myself that even though I am feeling good I can’t push myself to far  or I could put myself out for several days. This has been the hardest adjustment for me, as many people know me I am always on the go.  If I am ever able to return to work I will have to watch my limits, for simply over doing it could send me into a major flare and lay me up.

                Every day is unpredictable; I never know what the day will bring until my feet hit the floor. As I slowly wake up for the day my body might be feeling great, but that moment my feet hit the floor and I start moving I can feel everything that is wrong.  One day I might be able to straighten up the house and do a little running around and then turn around the next day and do nothing but lay around.  I just take every day for what it is and make the best of it.

                The past few days have been a little harder than others. As someone said it’s hard and we have to go through the process of grieving our “old” selves and start accepting the “new” us. That seems not to only go for myself but also for the people around me. I can’t always do what I was able to do before and through this all that would have to be the hardest adjustment.

                Although I might be if you want to use the word “disabled” I don’t want this to stop me and have people catering to me because of this.  There is a lot I have yet to learn, and how I am going to deal with this disease on a daily bases. But every day I am learning new ways of dealing with it. My next biggest obstacle is college. I have tossed it back and forth and I love school and it is something I don’t want to give up. Although it will take me much longer to get to the end I know I can. One verse that sticks out to me the most is Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” I know no matter what is thrown at me with the help of the Lord I can overcome it. 

Katie